My Antonia by Willa Cather (1918)

Okay, so explain to me why we make eighth graders read this book? What on earth do we think they're going to get out of it except a loathing for literature and literature analysis?   I read this for a book club, and it was much more enjoyable than I thought it would be.  Essentially, I've hated it for years based on my experience reading it in Ms. AnderSEN's English class.  (I bear grudges enthusiastically.)  The novel is actually rather beautifully told--after all, it's a classic.  The elements that spoke to me most--the midwestern setting, the lives of children and their relationship to nature--I could not have possibly appreciated them when I was in my early teens.  A couple of my favorite quotes:

"The pale, cold light of the winter sunset did not beautify--it was like the light of truth itself.  When the smoky clouds hung low in the west and the red sun when down behind them, leaving a pink flush on the snowy roofs and the blue drifts, then the wind sprang up afresh, with a kind of bitter song, as if it said:  'This is reality, whether you like it or not.  All those frivolities of summer, the light and shadow, the living mask of green that trembled over everything, they were lies, and this is what was underneath.  This is the truth.'  It was as if we were being punished for loving the loveliness of summer." 

And from Jim's irrepressible friend Lena:

 "Well, it's mainly because I don't want a husband.  Men are all right for friends, but as soon as you marry them they turn into cranky old fathers, even the wild ones.  They begin to tell you what's sensible and what's foolish, and want you to stick at home all the time.  I prefer to be foolish when I feel like it, and be accountable to nobody."

Yeah!

The Loving Dead by Amelia Beamer (2010)

Never underestimate the power of a good blurb.  I picked up this zombie novel because it was blurbed on the front by Christopher Moore as "really kind of hot, in a very creepy way." Truly a modern novel, with really realistic dialogue and believable young characters. You have to love a zombie novel that starts out at a Trader Joe's.  Ooh, and here's an interesting slant:  the virus is spread through sex and kissing.  Which is the zombie world seems like a recipe for some pretty dodgy situations, but Beamer handles them all in very realistic and not at all exploitative ways.   Fun and original.

You Say More Than You Think by Janine Driver (2010)

Subtitled:  The 7-day Plan for Using the New Body Language to Get What you Want.  Fascinating book about the 'new' body language. Outlines a number of principles about how we express ourselves through body language and how to read other's body language. As a former ATF agent, her examples are from real life (not just the corporate world). Also, she points out the fact that not every body language signal necessarily means something. Amazingly useful book for anyone who is interested in human nature and professional and personal interactions with others.

Nancy's Theory of Style by Grace Coopersmith (2010)

This is the thing I love about reading. You pick up a book off the shelf, it looks like a hundred other books (this one is chick lit, so even more so) that turn out to be utter crap, and all of a sudden, you're pleasantly surprised by a great book.

Nancy is a party planner, living apart from her husband in San Francisco while they work out their marriage. As she's getting her company off the ground, her errant cousin swoops in and drops off her child for Nancy to look after. Nancy also hires a fabulous British gay assistant. The characterization in this book is amazing. Quirky but well written characters abound like the elderly neighbor who calls Nancy "Girl Carrington." Even the family members we don't meet are intriguing.  Not just charming, these characters are SO well drawn. Nancy has a penchant for fun wordplay and the charm of Auntie Mame. So very good, but it could never be turned into a movie--it would never translate. It's all in the writing.  Yay books!

Stuff by Randy O. Frost and Gail Steketee (2010)

Subtitled Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things, this is a fascinating look not just at the world of compulsive hoarding, but at the basic attachments we have to our stuff. Explores the research into the roots of hoarding, including OCD and other obsession disorders. Includes case studies and the (sadly, often ineffective) treatments for hoarders. If you've ever watched television shows on hoarding with mouth agape, or looked with a critical eye at your storage shelves, this is the book for you.

My Life Uncovered by Lynn Isenberg (2003)

Where to start? Whew, this is some bad chick lit. Okay, plot: Chick is a screen writer, well, she wrote one screenplay and no one will produce it, so she starts writing adult films and her career takes off. And some other stuff happens, but not much. I read half and skipped to the end. Trust me, nothing happens. What makes this book so bad? First of all, I've seldom read such clunky dialogue. Filled with clumsy exposition and long speeches, this is so remotely not how people talk. Oh, and in case you were wondering what her original, legit screenplay was about?

"My college summers were spent as a podiatric assistant in my dad's, Walt's, officer where I had come to adore Lily. During her ritual footbaths, I came to understand the sacrifices she made in her life, the dreams lost in self-recrimination and the vast love gained in the sweet solitude of surrender. I was deeply touched by her story, steeped in loss and self-renewal."

And the old chick tells writer chick to tell her story. What story? Plot much?

This book is abysmally written. In addition to the clunky dialogue and awkward exposition, she loves her some adverbs and has a knack for turning such a bewildering phrase that I wondered if perhaps English was not her first, or even second, language. She has literally no character development and after reading half the book, I could barely tell the characters apart. Clearly this is why there's a character list in the front of the book. The author also seems to have an odd sense of how things work in the real world. I don't care how great a writer this chick is, if the adult film producer generally pays $500 for a script and he pays her $3500, there's something really wack there. Especially since she's had nothing produced. Plus, allegedly the character had worked at an agency for three years and she's never heard the term "units" (used in a video context)? Weird.

But what's REALLY weird is the content of this book. Chick lit is about chicks, for chicks, written by chicks, right? After reading (half) this book, I think Lynn Isenberg is a man, baby, and an old one at that, who lacks any insight into the female mind. Example A: She refers to the naked women in the posters lining the adult film producer's office as "stacked." I've never heard a woman use that phrase (nor a man, for that matter, after 1964). Example B: Dressing to go to a party, "I sift through my wardrobe trying to compose a hot outfit I can put together in a hurry—I know, the black Tara Jarmon pantsuit with a sheer top, a charcoal leather duster and black leather calf-high boots that Bennett gave me last year." If that's not convincing enough, a few weeks later she dresses for a party in her go-anywhere black cocktail dress and black loafers. Loafers! And it's not like being fashion-challenged is part of her personality. Everyone thinks she's wonderful and beautiful, so clearly that's just some wrong writing. Example C: She writes a film for the adult film industry that centers on two girls who are dating until one decides she wants to be heterosexual and the other hires a guy to date her and dump her so she'll come back to her. Not only was this already a movie (Three of Hearts, I think, and there might be a Baldwin in it), but the vast majority of the movie centers on girl on girl action. Not only that, but when our heroine goes to Victoria's Secret to watch her sister try on lingerie for her wedding (??), the adult film star (female) and her girlfriend get busy in the next stall, while our heroine listens in. Then, she meets a film producer (female) who invites her to dinner and hits on her in a big way. "And then my mind races with competing thoughts, emotions and questions that go something like this: 'Oh my God, a woman is kissing me.' 'Hmmm, I can't believe how nice it feels.' "What am I doing? I'm not gay!' 'This is wrong for me.' 'God, I miss the arms of a man, a man who loves me.' 'What is the meaning of this?'"

It goes on for quite a while in that fashion and women keep coming on to her. Then she goes on blind dates with men and acts sex-crazed and licentious and actually scares them away. She's on a first date with a guy at Cirque du Soleil and can't understand why he drops her off right after the show. After all, "during the entire performance I whispered to him how I couldn't wait to duplicate all those contortions for him in bed." On a first date! Who behaves like this? (A man's fantasy, that's who.) Her second date is with some guy who she goes to see sculptures with "where I couldn't help but see, and express, something sexual in every object we looked at." He runs away, though clearly, this is another's man's (the author!) fantasy.

But anyway, this is supposed to be chick lit and the guy she ends up with isn't even introduced until more than halfway through the book. The author spends no time on him, seemingly only including him at the end because someone reminded the author that this is supposed to be chick lit. Whew! This book sucked. It's amazing that stuff like this gets published. Red Dress Ink should really stick to importing Brit chick lit.

One Day by David Nicholls (2001)

British, witty and charming novel about two friends who hook up after university and then have a Harry and Sallyish friendship. The novel checks in on their lives on the same day every day for twenty years. Great characters, insightful, realistic relationships. Really, really well written and lovely. Love this quote: “At the best of times she feels like a character in a Muriel Spark novel -- independent, bookish, sharp-minded, secretly romantic.”

Girl, 15, Charming But Insane by Sue Limb (2004)

Absolutely adorable young adult novel about a young British girl living with her mum and struggling with all the usual teen troubles--boys, friends, etc, but the dialogue (mostly in the voice of the heroine Jess Jordan) is beyond witty. Plus, Mom's a librarian! See awesome quote.

“Unfortunately she met her mum by the gate, and she could tell by her face that Mum had had one of those days. Occasionally people came into the library and peed, pooed, or got drunk and starting shouting abuse. Drunks and vagrants went to sleep in the reference section. Once a very old man who lived on the streets had died on the Oxford English Dictionary. You might think that being a librarian would be a quiet, cushy job, but sometimes it seemed that the library was really a nightmarish extension of the mean streets and that librarians were just cops and paramedics disguised in tweedy cardigans and long dangly parrot earrings from the charity shop.”

Magic or Madness by Justine Larbalestier (2005)

Compelling young adult novel about a young girl in Sydney on the run with her mother. When her mother is committed and she goes to live with her grandmother, she learns some truths about her family, her life, and the reality of magic. Split between Sydney and NYC, it’s filled with Aussie slang (glossary included!) and a refreshingly diverse cast of characters. Followed by two sequels: Magic Lessons and Magic’s Child.

Tuscany for Beginners by Imogen Edwards-Jones (2004)

Enchanting novel (by the author of Hotel Babylon) about a woman who runs a B & B in Tuscany and models herself after Frances Mayes. For those who read Under the Tuscan Sun and found Mayes insufferable, this clueless character is especially hilarious and delightful. Great characterizations all around especially the expat community (Derek and Barbara) in her valley, her long-suffering daughter, and the American who moves in to start a hotel of her own. Plus, hilarious recipes—yes, hilarious recipes! So witty, so British, and such dishy, soapy fun!